Michael Towns
Pirates seem to be all the rage these days. It seems everyone wants to sail the Great Seas, fighting Cthulhu and finding big booty.
Not everyone’s on the Pirate loving bandwagon though, and I’m not talking about their natural Ninja rivals. Nintendo has always had nothing but disdain for their kind.
Back in 1994 when Nintendo released Mother 2 (or to us Western folk, Earthbound) they had some swashbuckling tricks of their own. Say for instance, you happen to find yourself with a pirated copy of the game (which of course I know you wouldn’t do, you lovely little reader you), and with a clear conscience, ready to start the adventure, you boot up the game. And this is what greets you:
Yeah? Tell that to King.com.
Not wanting to dwell on your horrid dishonesty you press on. After traversing the Overworld for a while you start to think how oddly difficult the game is due to the amount of enemy encounters you’re having. This isn’t a coincidence. Nintendo designed the game to spawn many more enemies than regular if you possess a pirated copy.
This might not seem too bad since more enemies equals more experience points and such, but it also means many more random encounters and a much MUCH longer voyage to reach the final boss and finish the game.
‘Told you guys wandering through this dank forest would be worth it. Time to trip balls.”
“So what?” You think to yourself, “A more challenging game will make defeating the final boss just that much more rewarding!” Oh you poor soul, you have absolutely no idea what you’re in for…
What comes next is possibly the most sadistically cruel act a game developer has ever done, even more harsh than when the fluffy griffon-cat thing dies at the end of Last Guardian.
*SPOILERS AHEAD, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED PILGRIM*
All of this extra time you’ve pumped into your nightmare-mode version of Earthbound has left you withered and hungry. You’ve pumped so many hours into the game your wife’s left you and taken the kids, your mortgage is overdue and most of your furniture has been repossessed. A family of deer have also possibly settled in your living room and you’re constantly sparring for dominance with the head buck.
All of this matters not to you though, because it’s all about become worth it. The game’s tricked, lectured and kicked you when you were down, but none of this has stopped you. You’re about to claim your throne as the mightiest of the mighty video game Pirates, all you need to do is beat the final boss. As Pokey turns off the Devil’s Machine you can feel victory is blisteringly close at hand…then the screen freezes.
Another little implementation by Nintendo was to make it so it was impossible to defeat the final boss. The whole point of spending time playing the game suddenly becomes worthless!
Not one to give in to adversity though, you reset and load up your game and give it another crack. There is one problem though; that is, your save files are missing!
To top it all off after the game crashes, it deletes your save files! Seriously. All those hours spent meticulously levelling up against these souped up Hell Beasts amounted to nothing. Nintendo’s fleet has sunk your Pirate ship. You’ve been left with nothing else to do but trade in your Pirate hat and dreams of Jolly Rogering and become an accountant.
You can’t beat ‘The Man’, and you can’t fight City Hall. Nintendo is an evil bastard!
