Written by Ben Rosenthal
I was recently asked to compile my top 10 Nintendo games to appear on any Nintendo system (something that I will post here, eventually). These could be 3rd party games, or from the shiny land of Nintendo itself. After writing my little essay on my preferred games, I thought “So what are the games I can’t stand”? Fear not…..um, me…..for I have written what you desire. Prepare yourself for the TOP 10 WORSE GAMES TO APPEAR ON A NINTENDO SYSTEM
10. Red Steel (Wii) – Here’ is the story of how I came to purchase this universally panned game. A friend of mine was the manager of an electronics store. This store has a sale, where you could purchase Red Steel for the ‘bargain’ price of $30. Scoffing at my friend, I told him that “You won’t sell that for $5, let alone $30”. To which he replied “I bet I will – you want it for $5?” “Yes” I said. Interesting story, huh?
The much-hyped launch game for the Wii had a lot to live up to. Unfortunately, Red Steel was more like a zombie. Not a cool zombie either, but one of those almost decayed ones whose ligaments have rotted away and just lay on the ground waiting for food to run into their mouth…or have their head run over by a truck. Red Steel was an incredibly glitchy game, one of which involved simply walking into a specific area made all the bad guys stand straight up with their arms outstretched to the side. While lots of fun can be had walking up to the bad guys and taunting them before knee-capping them, it quickly wares thin (much like the game’s plot). Red Steel 2 however promises to be everything the first Red Steel isn’t – fun.
9. TNA Impact (Wii) – Back in Wrestlemania 2000 on the N64, and its sequel No Mercy, one of the cool aspects was seeing your opponent limp around as you work on a part of his body. The more you worked on their leg, for example, the more they limped about in pain. Ten years later, one would expect that this simple, yet realistic feature would be predominant in any wrestling game launched into the market. TNA Impact thought different. Not only does this game NOT have this simple feature, Not only does it have a horrible storyline (eh, it’s TNA – what did I expect), but throughout playing the game I couldn’t work out how to pin an opponent! And I read the instruction booklet!! The only way I could win would be to make people submit – which took aaaaaaaaaaaages. This is because I couldn’t tell when my opponent was weak enough to lock in a submission move as THEY WEREN’T FREAKING LIMPING!
8. Silver Surfer (NES) – the hardest game ever. For those of you not in the know, The Silver Surfer is a former herald of Galactus – big purple hat wearing guy that eats planets. The Silver Surfer was imbued with the ‘Power Cosmic’, which gives him vast cosmic powers. these enable him to complete such feats such as flying through the sun, travel between solar systems and ‘hang ten’. “WOW”, I hear you exclaim, “he must be equally as powerful in this NES game”. Well Sparky, he aint. If the Silver Surfer gets hit with an enemies laser blast – he dies. Fair enough. If the Silver Surfer touches an enemy once – he dies. Slightly harder, but still understandable. If the Silver Surfer touches the sides of the screen, or anything at all for that matter once – he dies. Hell, if he thinks about kittens he dies. Hardly the powerhouse that I imagined reading the Fantastic Four. Mix in some really confusing controls, add a nice side of generic midi music and you have yourself a game fit only for interrogating terrorist suspect.
7. Shaq-Fu (SNES) – cashing in on the success of Mortal Kombat is this motion captured fighting game. But who would be the best choice for a hero? Well, Shaquille O’Neal is known for being big, and putting balls through hoops – yup, he’d be perfect to take on the Cat-Lady and the Dagger Turban guy on the harsh terrain of “Other Earth”. Want to know the truly annoying this about this game – when you get you butt kicked by the mentioned Cat-Lady, on the game over screen you are treated to the button combination for one of Shaq’s moves. You know when letting people know the move sets of characters may have been useful? AT ANY POINT OTHER THAN THE GAME OVER SCREEN. Shaq should have really stuck at what he was good at – basketball and making horrible, horrible films.
6. Superman (N64) – Where do I start? Even without this game, Superman is a pretty pointless character. He can do anything and fly anywhere, as long as you don’t find out his one weakness – a green rock from THE PLANET HE COMES FROM! Regardless, this game is easily the worst game you can find on the good old N64. You begin the game playing as Superman, and are required to solve Lex Luthor’s puzzle in order to save your friends (you have to fly through some rings which pop up in no particular order). The time limit leaves absolutely no room for error, with the ‘popping up’ of the city and rings from the green mist just downright annoying. I can see the point of the ring flying first mission if it taught you how to fly in the game, or introduced you to Metropolis so you can get used to it. This isn’t the case as Metropolis ‘pops up’, and as a result you have no idea where you are or what you are doing. To add to the fun of this first level, if you touch a wall you get stuck and cannot move. This makes that whole time limit/no room for error thing more entertaining. However this all pail in comparison to the one aspect of the game that makes absolutely no sense. You’re Superman, and you can’t smash through walls! The second level takes place under ground where you have to fly through yet another maze to disarm a computer and save some workers. Why can’t Supes use his x-ray vision then fly directly to it. The game is crap, that’s why. All that aside, if you put the time and effort into actually finishing this tripe you are treated to quite possibly the greatest ending scene in the history of gaming. See for yourself;
5. Road Runner (SNES) – When I originally saw this game in NMS (Nintendo Magazine System) I became incredibly excited. The Road Runner and Coyote cartoons are some of, if not the best cartoons of all time. The SNES game copied the look of these classic cartoons precisely. However, I should have known that like the cartoons, anything created after the death of Mel Blanc was mediocre, good for only those whom wished to have their eyes melted from their sockets. The game itself, Death Valley Rally, is nothing but a Sonic clone. A bad Sonic clone. Road Runner runs and jumps through the desert (level after level after level), with his nemesis Wile. E. Coyote hot on his trail with an abundance of ACME machines. However, so badly planned was the gameplay that you cannot see enough of the screen while running from this cunning carnivore, and quite often find oneself crashing into enemies which appear from offscreen. I say often, but it is every single freaking enemy. Frustration follows. To top it off, the animation which I was so excited about blinks in and out, and it appears frames are missing from it. The jokes get old very quick (does The Fat Lady really have to appear at the end of every level, ready to sing, only to be told by Wile. E “Not Yet”), as does the constant ‘meep meep’ of Road Runner itself. If you were one of the unlucky few to purchase this game, I’d say you would now be filled with *deep deep* regret. See what I did there?
4. Donkey Kong 64 (N64) – No need to write why this game is horrible. Just watch the following opening intro from the game.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is the DK Rap. Put quite simply, Donkey Kong 64 is to Donkey Kong Country what The Phantom Menace is to A New Hope – except with far more fart jokes. Nuff said.
3. Wayne’s World (SNES) – Excellent. NOT! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, do you remember the time when every cool kid in the school yard used this term? You have this movie to thank for that. Incredibly popular, and up there with Ferris Buller’s Day Off, this movie spoke to the Pepsi generation, who in turn purchased Pepsi and watched the film. So I ask, how does one convert the awesomeness of a movie such as Wayne’s World to the humble SNES? Answer; with Horrible side scrolling platformer. Where do I start with this awful, horrible, puss-filled game. Wayne isn’t in his black Wayne’s World T shirt. Every time Wayne gets hit, he says ‘Not’ (AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Not.). You run around the level bouncing on various musical equipment with no idea where to go or what to do. The only way you know that you have reach the end of a level is when Wayne bows down saying “We’re not worthy”. Although Garth can also be heard (as it is obviously just a soundbite straight from the movie) even though Garth has been kidnapped by a big purple jelly thing. That’s correct – the final boss is Garth in a big pink glob of something, which in order to defeat you fire guitar riffs at. You know, just like in the movie. See;
“We’re not worthy”. Correct, you win a prize. It is a score of 17% from NMS (yes I remember the score a defunct magazine gave a horrible game many years ago). Speaking of defunct, our next game is….
2. Home Improvement (SNES) – Oh God, I don’t even want to write about this game. Based on the hit tv show, and possibly based of a ‘lost episode’ (let’s just pretend – it makes the game more fun). The setup for this adventure is as follows; Someone has stolen the new range of power tool made by Binford carrying Tim ‘The Toolman’ Taylor’s name. Tim now has to run around the studio looking for creates which may house the tools. Cue your generic platform adventure, playing as Tim as he makes a half arsed attempt and finding his tools in the jungle his TV studio has apparently become…for some reason. The final boss is a robot or something. I don’t know, I just want it to stop.
Now…the Number 1 game on this list, and considered to be the worse game ever to appear on a Nintendo console is….
1. Mario’s Time Machine (SNES) – Oooooooo contraversay. A Mario game, by Nintendo as the no 1 Worse Nintendo Game. Allow me to explain – I love Mario and all of his adventures. I had never been disappointed by one of the plumbers adventures, and they continue to deliver the good to this day. This game, however, is not my Mario.
The premise is as follows – Bowser travels through time trying to get his hands on historical artifacts for some reason, and Mario has to stop him. Doesn’t sound too bad – however Mario stops him by learning about history and answering questions….yeahbuhwha? Not only is it the most boring game in the history of everything, the fact Mario’s good reputation is tarnished makes this game even worse. Thankfully this was one of few ‘Edu-tainment’ games Nintendo released, it is just a pity that they couldn’t have made Luigi the main character for this one. It would not have mattered then, Luigi is a loser.
There you have it – now be sure to never play these games that are no longer in production which appeared on obsolete systems. You’re welcome.
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